Scandal Rocks Gotham

Gotham - Investigations continued into allegations of innapropriate messages to teenage boys and a possible cover up by the administration. Commissioner Gordon denied he had any knowledge of innapropriate behavior between upstanding citizen Bruce Wayne and teenage boys.

The scandal broke last week when stories were leaked to the press about Wayne and his teenage wards, including sexually explicit messages sent via the Bat Signal and rumors of late night escapades involving colorful tights and strange leather costumes. In addition, Wayne was believed to have kept a secret "Bat Cave" where he kept his teenage wards.

At first many were shocked by the allegations, as Wayne is a respected citizen recognized for his work taking in underprivileged boys as his wards. But over the last week more people have come forward and admitted to having known of his secret life, including his codename used in messages, "Batman". Said one Gotham citizen, "It was an open secret, Bruce Wayne is Batman, do you think this whole city is stupid? As to the boys, hello, he never married or had a serious relationship, yet this rich man keeps taking young boys off to his mansion. This should have raised eyebrows no matter who you are, but everyone in the government and police force just looked the other way."

Commisioner Gordon continued to deny having known anything untoward was going on. His spokesman defended his position, "OK, Gordon knew some 'overly friendly' messages had been sent via the Bat Signal, but he didn't know about any innapropriate messages til today. He also has never heard of the Bat Condom or the Bat Lotion or the Bat Handcuffs. Well maybe the bat handcuffs." While there are calls to resign, Gordon continues to have the support of his party, as well as the President. Wayne meanwhile, is not talking to reporters but has checked himself into Arkham asylum for rehab.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Vatican Expels Gays From Catholic Church

Vatican City - The Catholic church announced its formal policy today to ensure that there are no longer any gay priests within the world's largest christian denomination. The policy is surprising to many and is believed to be the church's latest response to the pedophelia scandal. Vatican Spokesman Lytin Hyslofers described the rationale behind the new policy, "We were considering the direction of the church in the twenty-first century. We had the grave all picked out, with a lovely headstone, and a very elaborate coffin. And then someone said, 'hey, we could use a few more nails for this thing'."

The policy was further explained by Cardinal Inntha Klawsett, "We looked at all the serious studies showing that pedophelia is not linked to sexual orientation and most likely derives from whichever children the perpetrator has access too. We also read all the studies that most pedophiles identify themselves as heterosexual. Then we said,'Hey, we're the guys who told Galileo the sun revolved around the earth. Are we gonna go with facts when we have blind ignorance and prejudice to get us through'."

The cardinal in charge of the church's new "straight agenda" Monsignor Torr Kemawda described how the policy would be enforced, "We're going to go around to each and every parish and look for scientifically acceptable signs of gayness such as; Priests whose shoes match their vestments, Lenten banners that look just a little too colorful, incense that smells too pretty, choirs that have great harmony, all the telltale signs of an insidious gayness. If that occurs, we'll do an 'exorcism' which is top secret but will involve a keg of beer and a big screen TV showing football in the sacristy. As to the priests, they'll be expelled and excommunicated, not transferred, this gayness thing is serious, unlike good old fashioned pedophelia."

The Vatican was unavailable for further comment after the policy was announced, as it appeared to be empty.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

New Pope Promises to be "Old School"

Vatican City - Cardinal Ratzinger, newly elected Pope Benedict XVI, announced that he would be a conservative pope, returning the church to "traditional values". He announced several steps to bring the church back to its traditional nature before everything "went wrong" in his view with the coming of modern society in the 18th-20th centuries. Some excerpts from his statement include:

Marriage - "From now on marriage will be what it was in the good old days, a loveless property arrangement between families in which both people were trapped forever, except the man, who was realy allowed to do whatever he wanted, even abandon his wife."

Women - "Women priests, never, bitches better learn to keep their mouth shut. Now that's Old School."

Jews - "Let's just say we're gonna get medieval on their ass."

Muslims - "Ever hear of the Crusades?"

Protestants - "Ever hear of the Thirty Years War?"

Sin - "Whatever I say is a sin, it's a sin. But we're bringing back the 'traditional value' of indulgences, so just give us some money and you'll get to heaven."

Sex - "Lots of it, oh yeah. Oh you mean besides little boys, no, that's forbidden. No birth control, no abortion, no sex outside of marriage, no masturbation, no sex within marriage that is in any way enjoyable, but we will look the other way if a man wants to go see prostitutes, some traditions remain. Any woman who even thinks about sex will be cast into the fires of hell. Just like the good old days."

Pedophelia - "You won't hear any more about pedophelia scandals. Sure we'll still molest little boys, but no one's gonna talk about it. That's the kind of tradition we like to keep."

Rascism - "Some people say a bunch of old white men electing yet another European white male is rascism. Hey, we're diverse, in the last five hundred years we've had a Polish white man and now a German white man. Would you want some negro coming in with his pimp outfit and ho's turning this place into his 'crib' or some Hispanic tending to his mary-jo-wanna plants in the Vatican gardens, or maybe some Filipino opening up a laundry in St. Peters. No, there's no rascism here, just things being done the way they ought to be."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Catholic Church To Deny Communion to Some

Rome - The Vatican announced a new comprehensive policy today to deny communion to Catholics whose political views are at odds with the church. The move came as a shock to most Catholics, who never thought of the Church as an institution which stifled dissent or told people how to think.
Church Spokesman Father Throt L. Freathott commented, "There appears to be many Americans who either support prosecution of accused pedophiles or vote for politicians who make the laws which persecute them. We can't allow this. This isn't about telling people how to vote or what to think, it's just about upholding church values by telling people how to vote and what to think. Holy communion is not a right of all baptized Catholics bestowed by G-d through Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, rather it is a political device copyrighted and owned by the Vatican. We believe in Democracy and Freedom, as long as it's within limits which we control absolutely and in perpetuity."
American Church spokesman Father Donatella Nowunn further elaborated on the move, "Some Catholics have taken this freedom of thought and conscience thing too far by claiming that pedophelia exists in the church. This is a patent lie and all who spread such lies are not worthy to receive Holy Communion."
In response to the continuing problem of free thought, the Vatican has set up a new office, the "Happy, Friendly Sunshine Gang" to be led by Monsignors Inne Kwisizzion and Torre Cawmatta. The new office will work to ensure that the rite of holy communion is reserved for those who know there is no way but the Vatican way, in all things religious and secular.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Pope Exposes Himself to Young Children

Vatican - Controversy erupted across the media after last week's exposure of the Pope's genitalia during a performance of young Polish breakdancers. Despite complaints of outraged parents, the Vatican is denying the exposure was intentional. Vatican spokesman Father Donatella Nowunn commented, "It was purely accidental. The Pope was caught up in the moment of watching those nubile young boys perform and wanted to join in. Due to a 'wardrobe malfunction' Vatican resident Cardinal Bernard law accidentally ripped open his robe." Cardinal Law added, "This was purely accidental. We were watching the enticing performance of these young boys, you know, no one knows hip-hop like boys from Galicia, their ancestors were totally ghetto, that's where they kept all their Jews. And then the pope turned to me and he said, 'yo Bernie, let's kick it G.' You gotta represent, knumean?"
While the controversy continues, Vatican legal counsel Thayall Deservtit stated, "No boys were harmed by this act. It didn't even take place. Don't believe what you hear on the internet. These boys are only claiming emotional harm to get at us with big lawsuits. Damn victims always are after our money. Sometimes it's hardly worth it to molest the little liars."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Vatican Offers Michael Jackson Asylum

Rome - The Vatican officially offered asylum to Michael Jackson today. Vatican Spokesman Fr. Donatella Nowunn commented, "It's obvious this poor man is being unjustly persecuted. These type of accusations are always false. We don't condone pedophelia in any form, we just haven't ever seen a documented case of it. Here in Vatican City, Michael could surround himself with people who understand what it's like to be unjustly persecuted. Besides, this pope does a wicked moonwalk."
Michael's lawyer, Will Lyfomunny commented, "Michael is seriously considering this offer. He'd love to stay and face his accuser, who hasn't come forward yet, but we have proof he's liar and a seducer of older men, not that anything happened anyway. Michael feels a great sympathy for an organization that manages to avoid publicity and keep silence surrounding such issues. If he had learned from them long ago this scandal wouldn't be happening right now. Perhaps we could have transferred the blame to Tito."
Whether Michael will ultimately accept the offer is unclear. The offer came from the Vatican's new office of media matters, headed by former Cardinal Bernard Law. It is reported that offers may also be made to Kobe Bryant and PeeWee Herman.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2003 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Pope to be Replaced

Vatican City - The Catholic faithful were shocked today to learn that Pope John Paul II will be replaced and transferred to a small parish in the midwestern United States. There has been little official comment from the Vatican, but rumors abound that the Pontiff's alleged Parkinson's disease was responsible for the sudden change and the secrecy surrounding it.
Vatican spoksperson D. Nye Ell responded to the charges, "This is just a routine transfer for the good of the Church. There is no Parkinson's disease here or anywhere else in the Church. Those who spread such rumors are just Catholic hating busybodies." Another viewpoint was stressed by representatives of Voice Of The Physically Fit, an organization dedicated to exposing Parkinson's disease and the attempts to cover it up by the Church. Said one representative, "The Church has denied the overwhelming evidence of Parkinson's disease among the clergy for years. Whenever rumors of a priest's affliction surface, that priest is quietly transferred to another Parish. When will the lying stop?"
More scandal emerged when it was announced that the Pope's likely replacement would be one bishop Mo Lester, the first openly-pedophile bishop in church history. The announcement caused immediate controversy, with many in the hiearchy threatening to split the church over the issue. Stated one bishop, "Pedophilia belongs in dark rooms and hushed corners, ignored and glossed over. There's no room in the church for those who flaunt their violation of G-d's holy silence." The only comment from Mr. Lester was this brief statement, "I haven't been so happy since I took that job at Chuck E. Cheese."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet.
Copyright 2003 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.