Pope to be Replaced

Vatican City - The Catholic faithful were shocked today to learn that Pope John Paul II will be replaced and transferred to a small parish in the midwestern United States. There has been little official comment from the Vatican, but rumors abound that the Pontiff's alleged Parkinson's disease was responsible for the sudden change and the secrecy surrounding it.
Vatican spoksperson D. Nye Ell responded to the charges, "This is just a routine transfer for the good of the Church. There is no Parkinson's disease here or anywhere else in the Church. Those who spread such rumors are just Catholic hating busybodies." Another viewpoint was stressed by representatives of Voice Of The Physically Fit, an organization dedicated to exposing Parkinson's disease and the attempts to cover it up by the Church. Said one representative, "The Church has denied the overwhelming evidence of Parkinson's disease among the clergy for years. Whenever rumors of a priest's affliction surface, that priest is quietly transferred to another Parish. When will the lying stop?"
More scandal emerged when it was announced that the Pope's likely replacement would be one bishop Mo Lester, the first openly-pedophile bishop in church history. The announcement caused immediate controversy, with many in the hiearchy threatening to split the church over the issue. Stated one bishop, "Pedophilia belongs in dark rooms and hushed corners, ignored and glossed over. There's no room in the church for those who flaunt their violation of G-d's holy silence." The only comment from Mr. Lester was this brief statement, "I haven't been so happy since I took that job at Chuck E. Cheese."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet.
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