US Launches Attack on Vatican

Washington - Citing a "Credible terroristic Threat" to Americans from a
criminal conspiracy with foreign support, the White House announced a series
of military strikes had taken place against the Catholic Church both inside
and outside the US. Military strikes were launched against the organization's
headquarters at Vatican City as well as against the Archdiocese of Boston,
believed to be a major concentration of dangerous operatives in the US.
White House spokesman Ari Fleischer commented, "This international
organization runs a conspiracy of terroristic threats to America's children,
forcing them to live with the fear and pain of abuse. In addition, it
conducts clandestine assaults on the innocence of youth and trust of the
faithful. Operating in cells called 'diocese' this organization conspires to
hide its crimes by working in the shadows. This danger to American citizens
can no longer be tolerated."
Initial strikes were carred out against the Vatican, believed to be the
headquarters for the planning and cover ups, directing individual cells.
Some 40 Tomahawk cruise missiles were lauched from vessels of the Sixth Fleet
stationed in the Mediteranean. Initial reports indicate at least 40 US
missiles were lost, with no report on Vatican casualties. In a statement
release earlier vatican Spokesman Fr. C. Noeevel commented, "This is an
injustice, we have always been willing to cooperate with the international
community. We have nothing to hide. There are no abusers here and never
have been. We don't know anything about this so called 'terror'. The Bush
administration is just attacking us in order to attack someone when really
all abuse is probably caused by a protestant conspiracy."
Additional attacks were launched against the Archdiocese of Boston,
believed to be a major concentration of bost operatives and cover ups. B-2
stealth bombers flying from Whiteman AFB dropped satellite guided bombs on
suspected terrorist hideouts. Initial reaction came from Archdiocese
spokeswoman Donna Hearsay who stated, "There's nothing for them to hit here,
we have admitted all past mistakes and happily turned over all relevant
documents once we were legally forced to do so and had absolutely no choice.
We have shown good faith and there's no reason to suspect our intentions or
actions. Besides, think of all the innocent priests who could be injured in a
military action." Replied on Air Force Officer, "Fat chance."
Military and intelligence officials believe the secret nature of the
organizations means ground troops may have to be used to find terrorists
hiding out in other "diocese" around the country. The Bush administration
has described these attacks as part of an ongoing war to protect Americans
from terror which should absolutely in no way be construed as an attempt to
deflect attention from a failing economy they have no idea how to fix.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2002 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Newsflash - Boston Archdiocese Declares Bankruptcy!

Boston - The Archdiocese of Boston moved today to declare an official state
of moral bankruptcy. Filing for Chapter 11:24 was a surprise move to many,
although less of one to those who live on planet earth. Citing a complete
lack of moral authority and depleted morality in general, Cardinal Law
announced that the Archdiocese was now in a complete and official state of
moral bankruptcy, and this had in fact been the case for some time.
Official spokesperson Hyde Dafaxx explained, "We're as shocked as anyone
else, who could have seen this coming? This is not to be blamed at all on
any church policies or actions of the heiarchy, especially Cardinal Law.
There has been no deception or cover up. The fact is we couldn't foresee the
current situation of loss of faith from parishioners, attacks from outside
the heiarchy, and personnel problems due to a rash of sudden and unexplained
transfers over the years. Who knew we'd draw the trifecta?"
Investors were shocked by the sudden announcement. Said one faithful
shareholder, "We invested our faith, our trust and our children, now we find
out they've been cooking the good book for some time." Another said, "After
all the faith I've put into the church, to just lose it like that is quite
shocking. I wonder if the Mormons are still taking applications?"
The board of Trustees for the Archdiocese, mainly the Father, Son and Holy
Ghost, could not be reached for comment. A spokesangel did release this
statement, "The Church was granted unlimited moral authority as startup
capital, we are shocked they could just lose it all. We're dumbfounded that
anyone could keep the good book so badly."
Faithful investors in other such organizations across the country are now
faced with the possibility that the leaders they entrusted may be squandering
moral authority and misusing faith. Some speculate that his could be the
start of a rash of moral bankruptcies. Church Spokeseman Dafaxx attempted to
calm these fears, "Hey, don't let a few bad apples make you notice all the
other spoiled apples, we wouldn't lie to you, trust us."


Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2002 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.